A clean IVF laboratory with a glowing laminar-flow cabinet and stereo microscope on the left, and an inverted microscope rig on a white bench with a stool on a glossy blue floor.

What to Say (and Not Say) to Mates Navigating IVF: A True Blue Guide

By / / Family, Fertility Problems', IVF, Pregnancy

A guide for friends and colleagues of people navigating IVF, covering what to say, what to avoid and what the treatment actually involves.

Introduction:

Approximately one in seven couples in the UK experience infertility, making assisted reproductive technologies like IVF increasingly common. Yet, despite its prevalence, many Aussies find themselves tongue-tied when it comes to supporting friends or colleagues undergoing IVF. Drawing from Kerry Downes’ insights in The Guardian, let’s explore how to navigate these conversations with empathy and a touch of Aussie humour.

What Not to Say: Avoid These Conversation Pitfalls

  1. “Oh, you’re not drinking?”
    • This seemingly innocent question can feel intrusive. Many undergoing IVF abstain from alcohol, and pointing it out might spotlight their situation uncomfortably.
  2. “Children are overrated anyway.”
    • Unless you’re a child-free-by-choice mate sipping champagne at an art gallery, this comment might come off as dismissive.
  3. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
    • Adoption is a beautiful path, but suggesting it as a simple alternative can undermine the emotional and physical journey of IVF.
  4. “Who has the issue, then, you or him?”
    • Personal and invasive. Best to steer clear.
  5. “How exciting!”
    • While positivity is good, IVF is a rollercoaster. Overenthusiasm might not match your friend’s cautious optimism.
  6. “Well, you never know! Any holidays coming up?”
    • The old “just relax and it’ll happen” myth isn’t helpful and can feel invalidating.
  7. “Did you find the donor online? Like shopping!”
    • Questions about donors can be deeply personal. It’s best to let your friend share details if and when they’re comfortable.

What to Say: Offering Genuine Support

  1. “I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.”
    • A simple acknowledgment can mean a lot.
  2. “I’m here for you if there’s anything you need.”
    • Whether it’s a lift to the clinic or a chat over coffee, offering specific support shows you care.
  3. “I don’t really know much about it.”
    • Honesty is appreciated. It opens the door for your friend to share, if they choose.
  4. “I’ll get this.”
    • IVF can be financially draining. Covering a coffee or meal is a kind gesture.
  5. Nothing.
    • Sometimes, silent support, like a thoughtful card or a comforting presence, speaks volumes.
  6. “I know someone else going through it, if you ever wanted to talk.”
    • Connecting your friend with others on a similar journey can provide comfort and shared understanding.

IVF in Australia: Key Statistics

StatisticData
Couples experiencing infertilityOne in seven couples in the UK
Average age of women undergoing IVF36 years
Cost per IVF cycle (approximate)£5,000
NHS-funded IVF cycles in England24%
NHS-funded IVF cycles in Scotland58%

Conclusion:

Supporting a friend through IVF doesn’t require grand gestures, just genuine empathy and thoughtful communication. By being mindful of your words and offering steady support, you can make a meaningful difference in their journey.

Sources:

  • The Guardian, “What to say – and what not to say – to friends, or colleagues having IVF”, Kerry Downes (21 May 2025)

Photo: Dr.jayesh amin, cropped, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons.

Illustrative: an IVF laboratory with a laminar-flow hood and microscopes.

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